Washington Crossing the Delaware on Black Friday
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\"alpert_washington\"It all began in Philadelphia, birthplace of innovative and uniquely American ideas and products: Philadelphia Cream Cheese (proof that God exists); Rocky I-V (more proof); and kites flying into lightning storms. Imagine, all this and more emanating from the sparkling urban jewel on the Delaware known affectionately as the City of Brotherly Love, a moniker richly deserved, given the kind and loving sports fans that inhabit this much-maligned metropolis.

Philadelphia was the site of our nation\’s first capital and cradle of our revered United States Constitution.  It was here at Independence Hall where George Washington became the first General of the Continental Army, gallantly leading us into freedom from British tyranny. He was elected as our first president, and then moves the nation\’s capital south to a city he named after himself. He crossed a roiling and treacherous Potomac River, standing triumphantly in the bow of that overcrowded rowboat, thus rendered in that famous painting he named after himself, Washington Crossing the Delaware on Black Friday. The painting was too big to stow in his little boat; he had a bridge built from New Jersey to New York so he could get the painting to the Met, where it still lives. Guess what he named the bridge?  Unbelievable.

As is obvious in that nautical painting, G-Dubya was taller than everybody else. We know he could not tell a lie: “I just outgrew Philadelphia, it was time to move on.” So G-Dubya moves to the new capitol and takes his football team with him, which he names after a few Native American friends (or potatoes).

But I digress. Back to Philly. Jeopardy fans there will surely know this one:

American Holidays” for, DING DING DING DING — The Daily Double!!! Contestants, you have 30 seconds for this question. What famous or infamous day in America has Philadelphia given to the world? Ben, would you like to go first? What is, Black Friday? YES!!! You win a week in Philadelphia. Betsy, as runner-up you get two weeks in Philadelphia, a wheelbarrow of South Philly cheesesteaks and all the Yuengling lager you can drink.

What’s in a Name?

In the mid-1960s, Philadelphia\’s Police Department coined the name “Black Friday.” The name denoted the day after Thanksgiving, a day characterized by an overwhelming volume of traffic due to a confluence of two events: the onset of Christmas shopping madness, plus the torrential influx of West Point cadet and the Naval Academy midshipmen family and friends attending the Army-Navy game on Saturday at Franklin Field. Holy Liberty Bell, Batman! The entire police force was tasked to cover every intersection in Center City, stretching the force to the max, requiring even the Philadelphia Police Band members to pitch in. Philly’s Finest were not happy about this day and so it got its dark nickname.

Retail legend has it that most merchants make their first profit of the year on Black Friday. It was the first day of “being in the black” financially. For years, Black Friday was the spiking pinnacle of a one-day volume of sales. Black Friday pushes balance sheets into rosy American Dreamland, making CEOs, executives and stockholders feel good about themselves. But there’s also that robust lay-of-the-landscape benefit downstream. This is advanced retail capitalism at its absolute max, prompting a flash mob frenzy of shelf emptying and inventory clearing out at fast-forward pace all over this great nation. And now it’s trending abroad.

Trench Warfare

To date, there have been seven fatalities and 90 injuries at various retail stores that have attracted the Black Friday hoards of shopper mobs since 2008. Doors have been torn off their hinges as unruly crowds give way to their basest knuckle-dragging instincts. But who can blame them when flat screen TVs are going for $400? There have been shootings by male customers who have entered stores with fully loaded firearms. Black Friday lore has is that two wives get into a little tiff on the checkout line and one husband reaches for his loaded pistol, resulting in a wild chase through the mega-store, then resulting in a shooting and a death. Thankfully the shooter could buy more ammo at the store; don’t want to go home with an empty clip, now do we?  But hey, he defended the honor of his wife — and then had lots of time to think about his wife’s honor while serving a chunk of the rest of his life in prison, where it’s Black Friday every day.

Collateral damage is a decidedly negative way of expressing the downside of the phenomenon of Black Friday. Let’s just call it the creepier side of human greed and reckless disregard for one another.

Sentimentality Aside

But hey, look at the bright side.  Retailers are now spinning the Black Friday phenomenon forward or backward, depending on how you look at it. What the hell, retailers have finally gotten smart, and EUREKA, they open shop for business on the actual Thanksgiving Day. Yes!!! Huge Win!!!  Who cares about eating turkey anyway? Honestly, which is more American: a family dinnering-down with a large earth-bound bird; or flying through the malls, enjoying a day shopping together? Bonus point: at the store, the family football fans get their holiday football fix watching somebody play somebody, and then the Cowboys playing somebody else on the endless expanse of flat screens. I mean, c’mon!!!

But wait, there’s a wizard behind the curtain: Big Data! Retail data from Adobe Systems (proof of God, again) tell us that the biggest sales are no longer on Black Friday, but the Sunday before Thanksgiving. The really good news is that Black Friday is not even Black Friday anymore. Nope. It’s Black November!  Even old G-Dubya never thought of that! Just as Hurricane Sandy changed the coastline of New Jersey, the 2008 Recession changed Black Friday and spread it over the whole month of November. Let’s use the WHOLE MONTH not just that one Friday. But hold on, what about Cyber Monday? Over $2.29 billion spent on that day. That’s billion with a, ‘b,’ friend. This is what is so good about America. We really know how to make a buck!

So after the final whistle of the last football game on Thanksgiving Day, thanks to the City of Philadelphia, the Philadelphia Police Department, and the founding father himself, I will be zooming down the NJ Turnpike to Philadelphia, Black Friday – Ground Zero – Holy Grail.  I will be armed and dangerous, credit cards polished and sharpened, ready for serial swiping.

Happy Thanksgiving and be careful out there!

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